Poor Poor Pitiful Me

Listful Thinking

If I could go back in time to any one moment, I would kill Hitler because that is the time travel rule. But if I could go back to any two moments, after I killed Hitler I would visit myself last Sunday morning, just as Past Me’s head was getting stuck in a sweatshirt.

I would step quickly and quietly up behind myself and press my ray gun into Past Me’s side.

A typical imaginary raygun I’m a time traveler in this scenario. Obviously I have a ray gun.

“Don’t say a word, Stephanie,” I would say coldly. “This is the ray gun that killed Hitler and it’s here to stop another atrocity before it begins.” Past Me would probably gulp, head still in the sweatshirt. “Now that I have your attention,” I would say, “I need you to calmly push your head through this hole right here. No, that’s an arm hole. This hole…

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